I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We are two peas in an std pod
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
