Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
