yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
