Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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