Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
