She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
