Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
