I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
