My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
