oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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