Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
