does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
