His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
