It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
