it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
