When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
