I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
