i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
