He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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