I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
