Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
