like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
