Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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