it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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