My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
