Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
