The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
