My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
