Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
