nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
