Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
