so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
