Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
