I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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