WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
