Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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