she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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