I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I checked into jail on foursquare
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
