Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
