Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
