So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
