I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
