And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
