dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
