At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Randomize
