This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
