On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
