I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
