just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
