I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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