I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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