Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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