when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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